I'll begin with words from my parents:
"Jim Vance don't care about no one"
"That's right"
"Jim Vance don't owe nobody nothin'!"
"That's right!"
"Jim Vance don't give a-"
"That's right!"
It was Summer. I'd had an existentialist crisis derived from Workaholics and Awkward and Daria and White Teeth , and most dearly the Olympics, and I didn't know what to do with my life but wake up at one in the morning, rest a bit longer, and pay my days with eyes to a screen and a bowl of cereal every three hours. I didn't watch Eleven O' Clock News on channel 4.
I was in need of a Summer's intervention. I collected myself one night, and waited on my parents' bed. I had a very important confession, so I waited until we had all congregated by means of the Daily Show.
"Mom, Dad, who is that black man on the Eleven O' Clock News on Channel 4? You know, he has really white hair, and an earring. And he's the coolest old man. You know that guy?"
My parents must have looked at each other like ministers in a bad Syfy book. The young one had found out. The elders had come to their purpose. The explanation of all life. The secret. Plot twist upon Plot twist. The young one would be enlightened. The Giver kind of substance like that (the Giver isn't a bad book).
"You have found out. At last, young one, we shall tell you," my Dad must have been watching too much of the Syfy channel.
"It's about time you have found out, young one," My mom had caught on to the "young one" phrase. I guess they were acting a bit too strange that day. Maybe my dad convinced my mom to love the Syfy channel instead of News 4 at 11.
I jest. It didn't happen that way. My parents did tell me the truth, almost like a speech. My mom began:
"Jim Vance! Jim Vance doesn't age. He's always been cool"
"Yeah, he's cool" I had to reassure myself.
"Well, yeah, he's Jim Vance."
"That's right!" My dad is a quiet man who doesn't say much.
"Jim Vance been on Chanel 4 with his earring since Gramma had Black hair, and I even think he was a drug addict!"
"Don't do drugs," A man of few words, as they say, he dad had very important things to say.
"Jim Vance is the coolest in DC. So cool, Jim Vance will read the news, but he don't have to. Jim Vance don't care!" My mom was getting a bit excited, the way a school boy speaking against his teacher would in an 80's movie. Then the New Order music would start playing and everyone would leave class and feel liberated and go into the detention to talk about Typical High School Issues, like being a basket case or Emilio Estevez.
"That's Right." This is how it began.
"Jim Vance used to have an Afro, too"
"I used to, too." My dad and everyone wanted to be Jim Vance. Not anyone but Jim Vance is Jim Vance.
"You're not Jim Vance, dad." I had a very good point.
Jim Vance is cool. He's cooler than that 80's movie school boy, and Ferris Bueller. If Jim Vance ever wanted to, he could skip his job at News Chanel 4 and go to Chicago if he wanted to, disguise and all. He would sing Danke Shoen in the parade. He would flip off his principal, thus turning his principal into his very own Jim Vance'd pillow pet. Jim Vance wouldn't have to work, his principal would just give him grades (or he would use his very high tech computer and change them himself). Jim Vance works to be Jim Vance.
Jim Vance is cooler than all the Rockstars, Mick Jagger, Jim Morrison, Julian Casablancas on high. Jim Vance is my rock-star If I saw Jim Vance walking down the street I would faint, or scream. I think I wouldn't be able to speak, or I would run to where he was and speak drivel. I'm not quite sure.
I want to be Jim Vance. It's not that Jim Vance doesn't care, he does. Jim Vance has that kind of don't care complex where they can always play it cool. The kind of don't care that's apathetic, but focused. The kind of play it cool like Elton in Clueless when he goes "rollin' with the homies". Except for Jim Vance isn't crazy and invasive.
People who truly don't care are psychopaths. Jim Vance isn't a psychopath. Psychopaths aren't cool. If Jim Vance were a psychopath, he'd be Kaiser Soze. He'd walk down the street with a limp and then his feet would straighten out, and his fingers would loosen, and he'd show walk cooler than Obama does, and then he'd get in a car and no one would ever hear from him again (sorry for ruining the movie for you if you know what I'm talking about. If you knew what I'm talking about wouldn't you have known the ending? Jim Vance wonders).
This is how I view Jim Vance. It's true, Jim Vance was addicted to cocaine in the early late 70's and the early 80's. That's totally uncool. I don't admire him for that.
What makes Jim Vance cool is that Jim Vance still has a job. Anyone with a job is quite cool. Jim Vance had a job in the late 70's and 80's, which means even though he was addicted, he still cared about living. He was walking with a limp, but then he straightened himself out. He still cared about what he did, and somehow (because he's a super human) he managed.
I don't want to be a drug addict. What I want to do is not care like Jim Vance. If I ever find myself in a horrible situation, I'll do as Jim Vance did. I'll still read the news as usual, calm face, straight voice. I'll learn how to not let things get to me. To roll with the flow. To roll with the flow at age 70 with an earring and an afro. To roll with the flow in the 70's with so much more divide in the country and predudice, but keep reading the news with a straight face. I don't want to be Julian Casablancas, I want to be Jim Vance.
Does he not look cool to you? How many people from the 70's do you know with a mustache and an afro (my dad had both)? How many of them are Jim Vance (I just had a conversation with myself)? Does he not look like the coolest man you'd want to get to know in your entire life?
"Let me tell you that at about 40 years after that previous picture, I am still cooler than your children and your children's children, and you will not ever, ever be cooler than me. But you can try. I appreciate that."
Jim Vance is so cool, Jim Vance gets to rate your cool on the 11 O'Clock News. Jim Vance is cool even without a straight face and a calm voice.Jim Vance got 15 million hits on YouTube for laughing at a model! Which, naturally, is quite mean. It's not nice to laugh at models because they're wearing ridiculous high heels, imagine wearing Heels Jim Vance. Jim Vance in heels would be fabulous, actually. That's another issue. It's just the way he said it, "That is uncool." Jim Vance gets to judge you and get 15 million hits on YouTube just for the sound of his laugh.
I know, I haven't said how he's cool. All I say is "Jim Vance is so cool blahbla hblahbla h." This has turned into a bit of a Yo Mama Contest, hasn't it? Jim Vance is so cool, he's a one man Yo Mama Contest of being Cool.
The secret wasn't that Jim Vance is the coolest newscaster/black man/man/being/form of matter/own little yo mama contest/person who laughs/journalist (He's got 19 Emmy's. My mom says it's because he smokes with the Emmy people sometimes, but hey! Jim Vance is cooler than drugs!), it's that Jim Vance will always be cool, and just how he's cool is something you've got to figure out for your own self.
I hadn't watched Channel 4 News at 11 all Summer, but I still knew. Jim Vance is the kind of cool that doesn't leave you. If you've noticed, Jim Vance is too cool to go by "Jim" or "Vance". Jim Vance is the Washington DC area's nightly rock-star, the cool kid on the block. Jim Vance is Kaiser Soze and Ferris Bueller. The first search result for "Jim Vance is" is "Jim Vance is the man". Jim Vance is Joey Ramone and a Fabulous High Heeled Model. If anything, Jim Vance is AFI's top 1 movie quote of all time, because "frankly my dear, [he] don't give a damn*."
Peace
*I'm sorry for the expletive I didn't know if it was inappropriate for school? If it was, I'm sorry. I'll take it down.
No comments:
Post a Comment